Alien Abduction Stories

This took place in August of 1985. Please understand that while memory fades the event intrigued me enough at the time to jot down notes immediately after. Thus the following, while not a transcript in the true sense is the most accurate synopsis I can come up with.

I met xxypp at the small bar down the road from my house. I KNOW what you are thinking, but I can guarantee that I was a paragon of sobriety having only consumed 11 or 12 tequila shooters and 6 or so beers. The exchange / encounter went as follows:

Me: This is weird. You are like an alien from outer space – not some country I haven’t herd of?

Xxypp (hence forth called “HM”) That is correct earth creature.

Me: Cool so I don’t have to hate you for any political reasons, sweet!

HM: I do not understand…

Me: no worries – may I ask you questions?

HM: I know all Earth languages, ask what you will.

Me: Why are you here, and why did you pick ME to contact?

HM: You? One of my associates saw your photo on a bulletin at your Human “Post Office”. You must be very important. It said “most wanted”. Obviously you are most beloved by your kind…

Me: Thank you – and you are correct, but why are you here and why me?

HM: Our race has stagnated and of all the peoples in the know Universe, your kind is compatible for genetic sharing, so we –

Me: Whoa! You mean the “Happity Humpity?” The Sizzlin slide – o – rama? The –

HM: I do not understand these terms. We wish to mate.

Me: No offense, but you’re pretty gross. All gray, black eyes – and by the way are you male or female? Cause I only swing one way…

HM: We can be what ever one wishes – you’ve seen Johnny Depp, Kim Kardashian, Pame –

Me: Oh C’mon now! That is SO crazy! If your kind can be so hot – why do you probe hicks in the boonies? I mean, c’mon!
HM: Probe? Oh! Yes! They were asking for it.

Me: Asking for it?

HM: Well they were all so pretty…

Me: Stop right there. Your kind has infiltrated Holly Wood, created a standard for human beauty that is all but impossible for most humans to attain but prefer over weight, gapped toothed un educated – whatever to mate with?!

HM: Well yes. We use our disguises to attract those we wish. Your kind does it as well, I believe they say one who is in to “bad things”?

Me: Great. Thanks. You are galactic perverts and we are sleeping cattle. Forget I asked. Since you have already grossed me out, what is the deal with the whole probing thing?

HM: I believe we covered that…

Me: No, I mean specifically leaving electronics inside a person after an encounter…

HM: Oh! You mean a phone.

Me: A phone?

HM: Of course, what better way to get a second date? I wonder why they never call back? Your kind is so rude.

I had heard enough. The big questions were answered, and feeling a little sickened and needing a shower I released the alien, vowing never to abduct another.